Being as Low as I’ve Ever Been

Time has passed quite quickly.

And I feel lost in the midst of it all.

I think, looking at my smartphone, brings this feeling of being lost. So much information. So much goodness. So much pain.

The real world is full of everything on top of that.

I’m feeling pretty down, especially from a beatdown I got from someone close to me. Yeah, I don’t want to say who gave me the beatdown. It was really, really hard to take.

It seems that for everything I want to write, I have this vulnerability for not writing what I really want to for the reason of not hurting people’s feelings.

I may always be self-censoring myself for as long as I live. I’m not those writers that can put things down and lay it down the way they like. The mind inside isn’t broken down enough to let things go.

But I got close today.

As I write the words down, I’m slowly recovering. It sure took a long time for me to recover this time.

I’m full of excuses. My latest excuse is my notebook. It’s too damn slow to do the things I want to do. Sure, if I just want to write and do basic graphics work, I can get things done in a pinch. I’ve done it a few times.

If I really want to get down and do the work, I need something a little more powerful.

Why can’t I work with what I got?

I’m just a mess and full of excuses. I got no one on my¬†side, no one to understand me.

But I know to keep going. At least on the things that bring the bread and butter. Now I have to move on the things that will bring me to the next level.

When I think deeply, it really isn’t worth the fear to stop me in my tracks.

I have to start. I have to take the steps forward every day. Screw the¬†thoughts of failure. The real definition is not starting at all. If I start, keep going, learn from my mistakes, get mentors to guide me through, I know I’ll make it.

I’ll start today.

I have two things I have in mind to start. And I won’t take no for an answer. At least, not today.

Ah, I’m hurting again. This pain is different. It’s deep. It may last for a while.

Good.

I need something to remind me. In these moments of weakness, I can pray. I can listen to those that can help me out. I’m not as trapped as I think I am.

I can do more. I can get out of my comfort zone. I can beat the things in front of me because I have enough control of the resources on hand.

When I think what will I do in my 50s, 60s, or 70s, will I even live that long?

If God decides to call me tonight, that’s it. Game over.

I’m grateful to know what I know. I’m happy that I can write these words down and publish them. Whether I get one or more to read, I hope this will resonate, inspire them to move forward on something they love.

There is love in the pain you have. Seek love and cherish it. Never go too high or low. Work on the things you love, today. Now even. Live the dream and find better processes and mechanics. Keep growing. Achieve the things you want.

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