The Spiritual High

So I’m on this high.

I did something spiritually lifting with Da Missus to reflect on my life, find my dreams and goals, and move toward them.

I meditated, read the Bible, and prayed.

While life has its ups and downs, the general direction was up.

After 3 days of doing this together, I got a lot out of our spiritual event.

I had momentum.

Am I realizing my goals finally?

I really thought this was it.

I thought this was day one, day two or something where I will have day after day of growth and go after the goals I ached to achieve.

The Fall

But when Da Missus left for a few hours to do something, my vices struck me down. Hard.

They snapped me like a twig.

All that momentum ripped away like a tornado tearing through a house.

And then she caught me.

I was shocked, ashamed, dumbfounded.

I made an utter mess of something beautiful we created from 3 days.

Grabbing for a Leg of Hope

It’s hard to describe what I’m trying to write at this moment.

But I knew this moment was vital to my growth.

The guilt was important. This showed me what I did was a mistake. The guilt can help me say to my vices, “Never again.”

And I’m fortunate to have done so in the past. I’ve succeeded in stopping some of the behavior that wasn’t acceptable to me.

I need to realize that some of my actions done in front of others will bring uncertainty to me.

The uncertainty of disconnection and separation.

For me, that game is a dangerous one to play.

The Forces of Pain and Pleasure

Tony Robbins talked about the two main driving forces of our lives: Pain and pleasure.

My vices certainly brings pleasure to me but tremendous pain to others.

When they come to light, they bring tremendous pain to me.

I knew that these driving forces can help me move toward my goals.

But in order to do that, I have to make the best possible decisions each time.

Decisions and Consequences

I know that every decision I make is mine.

I own them, for all the good or bad they are.

It’s easy to say my decisions make me who I am. And they do.

Yet at the same time, we must not simply accept that kind of thought.

So caught red-handed of my vices, I thought and thought.

Uncertainty is rampant in my brain. What will happen next?

If I’m lucky, Da Missus will come over and talk to me, soon.

What I’m afraid of is being ignored, not spoken to.

I’ll take hate over indifference.

The thing I fear is disconnection. Yes, I’m afraid to think that it’s all over.

The family will be in shambles. This is my fault.

This is my greatest fear. Everything has come to a close.

Self-Sabotage

In the history of new music podcast, I heard the famous musicians that intentionally and unintentionally screw themselves over for whatever reason, like drugs, pride, sheer stupidity.

Chris Cornell. Sinéad O’Connor. Courtney Love. And a few others.

It showed that for all they have accomplished, they’re capable of making mistakes.

They’re human, like me.

My mistakes aren’t who I am, but I own them because I made the decisions.

I screwed myself over for not taking control of mind. For not listening to those I cared about.

Instead of doing the work which will bring long-term pleasure, I reached over for the short-term pleasure of vices.

I know that if I start, I’ll do it again and again.

Then progress on my long-term goals? The journey has stopped.

Forgotten in a few days.

And I’m back to square one thinking, if I took the time to think, “What happened to me? Why am I not going anywhere?”

Correct Course

A lot of the times over these years, I just simply kept falling. The fall would go on for days, weeks, even years.

No.

I think that status quo is enough. I made that decision.

Today was a little different. I let the energies of shame bring me out, demanding control of my mind.

And do the work.

For me, it was a brave and unexpected move.

I’m scared because I’m not sure what I will accomplish. In my mind, I feel that lost so much.

I’m not sure if I had the energy to do the work.

But as I type word after word down, I felt that drive inside.

I almost lost it, but I managed to grab it again.

As I write the words down, I remembered my goals to build the business, one step at a time.

I remembered, I believed that my words have value to others and I’ll keep searching on ways I can serve them.

The uncertainty subsides a little. I look at it.

It is an energy. Like anger.

I remember everything in this universe is an energy. If we’re small enough, we can see the vast expanse of space.

I inhale and exhale. I can feel the tension in my shoulders.

My legs are propped up on the desk. I don’t why I write like this, but it’s comfortable.

I look at the time. It’s 11:11 a.m.

I remember I got a small list I need to do before leaving the house.

I want to finish this post, hang the laundry, and clean up the apartment.

The Unsolved Issues

I still have my problem with Da Missus.

If the time comes, I hope we can talk. But I’m not going to push that until the time is right.

It’s not up to me to determine that. I’m waiting and looking for windows to do that.

I still have my work at the institute in the early afternoon. I have one booklet to make for one class.

More booklets to produce over the weekend.

I calm down a little more.

Things are not okay. Life is uncertain.

I need courage and perseverance to work through my most important tasks.

I haven’t gotten through it all, but I have momentum to try to finish them.

I need courage to face the eventual talk.

Honesty and problem solving is needed.

Always Have Your Eye on the Prize

I need my goals close by and read as much as possible.

When I have time available, I should squeeze every second into my goals.

Make the most important things in my life, done each day.

When I think about it, none of this is easy.

That’s why only a few live their dreams while others talk about it.