A Life of Panic

In December, I feel pangs of panic.

I don’t know how things will go. And I fear for the worst. Like the sky is falling.

Of course, it’s not falling. Things aren’t getting worse. But my thoughts are getting the better of me. The only way to get through this is to work at it, every single day.

What, you may ask? Whatever work I have, do it to the max. Keep me busy.

I’m fortunate to have a family. I’m fortunate to have work. I’m fortunate to have a roof over my head. But I’m scared of the future. And it’s all in my head.

It’s always in my head.

So I write it out. Inside, I’m shaking. I’m not sure what step I should take. The Grammarly app is also looking over my writing. If I make a slight mistake, it pings me with a red or yellow colour dot on the right. Sometimes, I tell it to ignore it. This is my writing, right?

A lot of the time, I heed it. It’s my editor.

I don’t mind it, I think it cleared up my writing quite a bit. And I intend to write my posts with it. And I know, if I want to jump off the deep end, I can always ignore it and write at my peril.

Darn it. I have 6 yellow errors. Screw it.

If you’re in a panic, keep your goals in front of you. Move forward towards it. Hopefully, the people you care for will still be there. It’s possible that they could leave. Anything’s possible. Nothing’s permanent.

But have the courage to move forward.

I remember in Matrix Revolutions, where Neo had to move forward after Trinity’s demise.

He still had a job to do to make a deal with the machines, to deal with Agent Smith. That was the only thing he had left.

In Toy Story 4, Woody felt taking care of Forky was the only purpose he had. He held onto that for so long, fearing there would be nothing left when that was done.

I’m feeling that at times. I hold on to what I have, thinking, if they are gone, nothing would be left.

The fact is, nothing will be left when you die.

We will only have our memories before entering the void. Or heaven. Or else.

The sense of purpose is what I have to find. Keep it close and have something around.

From Jordan Harbinger, he suggested volunteer work. Perhaps that’s something I should consider in my life.

Financial stability is another big thing.

More as it goes. Just trying to clear my mind on these things.

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